Call a doctor/ plumber/ priest My heart is broken/ leaking/ deceased My life is worthless/ so much better/ over I’m going to kill myself/ tell your wife/ Dover How could you leave me/ not know/ lie? I hope you return my stuff/ come back/ die I’ll never forget you/ forgive you/ go away I need closure/ a DNA test/ to tell you I’m gay Your face/ crotch/ top of your back Is so beautiful/ lumpy/ unusually slack Your ex/ mother/ best friend from school Always made me great coffee/ feel inadequate/ drool I will miss you/ kill you/ stalk you forever That way we can be friends/ get away with it/ be together I’m sorry you did this/ I did this /we failed I promise to pay you/ dye it back/ get you bailed Please don’t leave me/ show the Polaroids/ write or call
"Let me tell you something about Tom Riddle. We were teacher and student in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first enemy Grindelwald, who was totally gorgeous. But then I had to defeat him, and Tom was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to duel with Grindelwald, he'd be like "Why didn't you fight me back?". And I'd be like "Why are you so obsessed with me?". So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-Muggle sympathisers pool party, I was like "Tom, I can't invite you because I think you're Lord Voldemort ". I mean, I couldn't have a Dark Lord at my party. There were gonna be people there in their muggle clothes. I mean, right? He was the Dark Lord. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of society because no one would talk to his disembodied soul, and he came back in the fall for the second Wizarding War, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he's got Horcruxes."